Chaw

The Legend of Chaw (The Henry Bankshaft Chronicles):

"How y'all doing? My name is Henry Bankshaft, but, uh, everyone just calls me Chaw." (0:01)

"Now out here on my ranch, I like to... work real hard, so it's important for me to take some time out and... reflect on my life." (0:08)

"Now this right here is my... my old black beauty. Uhh, Queen Latifah I like to call her." (0:26)

"This here is uhh, wrong. Good, now that's checked." (0:33)

"I have like, six or nine toes... on my right foot." (0:41)

"I can hurl an orange, like a thousand feet." (0:45)

"I'm pretty good at bowling, I gotta about a 120 average." (0:48)

"Almond Joys, Paydays, and Heath Bars. Now that is just the list of shitty ass candy bars." (0:54)

"Did you know the average person will eat about eight spiders in their lifetime? That's just astounding." (1:02)

"Oh, lemons, huh? Lemme see this. Too bad I like limes. Fuck you!" (1:12)

"Now this right here is my thinkin' shed. Otherwise known as the place I like to have sex with young girls. Just kiddin', I have sex with... normal size girls here." (1:22)

"It's freaky as shit inside. Nothin' but a stove in there. What'd I tell ya? Fuckin' nightmare zone. It's like watching a... a Wings marathon on USA." (1:31)

"Also I gotta about, uh, eighteen or nineteen bodies buried back there. So... go ahead and dig 'em up. Can't have sex with bones. I mean, I've tried. Bad news." (1:43)

"I have a reoccurring dream of, uh, me and Jesus... playin' Earthworm Jim for Sega Genesis." (1:55)

"I mean, seriously. Who the fuck is still buying these candy bars? I mean, just buy a Snickers, be a normal guy." (2:02)

"I like to get myself, like, real real sopping wet... and then just break into my neighbor's house, and steal all of their shit." (2:11)

"Fuck you, Iraq! Hyah!" (2:20)

"I always try to keep at least one Korean person on my speed dial." (2:24)

"I like to take a huge handfill of baby carrots and... jam them up into the black of my butthole." (2:28)


"I got the complete box set of Mad About You this year on DVD. It's fuckin' terrible." (2:34)

"I wanna talk to you, 'bout, c'mon... where the fuck you goin' cow... get outta my fucking life cow... get the fuck outta my life. That's what I fuckin' thought." (2:42)

"I mean, fuckin' seriously... oh, do I want a Payday with just nuts, and like caramel, or do I want a fuckin' Snickers with like chocolate, nuts, nougat, and juice inside?" (3:02)